I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
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All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough