I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

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Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”


Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn


I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.


99% of the teaspoons in my house are crooked because waiting for my Ben & Jerry’s to melt was far beyond my capability.


imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner


SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about


The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.


Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”