I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
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Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?