I told my vodka about you.
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I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Breaking news:
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
#dalle2
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times