ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-
SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
ME: I’d be lost without u
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies