I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Good morning!
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff