@KyleMcDowell86

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

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@ClichedOut

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

@sug_knight

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

@iamspacegirl

SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-

SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.

@LindaInDisguise

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

@thatdutchperson

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

@ArfMeasures

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

@okmatchhead

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

@imshitimsorry

lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies