I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
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Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports