“Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
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MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter
DAUGHTER: So I gather
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
A tiny woman at work just sneezed and it sounded like a Chipmunk being shot out of a cannon.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.