@RunwayDan

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

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@ilovepie84

“Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable”

-Optimistic Prime.

@ArfMeasures

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

@Maxine12333

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

@DangerouslyJoe9

A tiny woman at work just sneezed and it sounded like a Chipmunk being shot out of a cannon.

@juneohara65

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

@Mr_Kapowski

Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.

@AmericanGent69

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

@dumbbeezie

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

@blaudiablogan

Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.

@TankCesar

Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.