I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
You Might Also Like
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?