No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.