I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
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After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
How can I say no to this ?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.