a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Sign at work today
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Thank you corporation very cool
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.