Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho