“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
The fall of Netflix
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.