My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.