I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
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Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.