I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
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*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.