@ddsmidt

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

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@nicky_prada

Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “I’m not even physically active”

@KyleMcDowell86

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

@DanielAda1960

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

@WilliamAder

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

@Steven37366100

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas