*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
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What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?
A couple’s having breakfast. He says, “Were you faking it last night?” She says, “No, I was really asleep.”
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
customer: can i get a microwave
me: sure *wiggling my pinky* hello
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[we put our clothes back on]
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: I’m just gonna nap for an hour then
A Star Wars scene where drunk Luke and Han admit they have no idea what Chewie and R2 are saying, and then they both just start laughing