I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
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DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
is this a threat