I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
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🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Challenge accepted.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven