@Gupton68

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

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@MariyaAlexander

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

@AbbeYaar

You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.

@smerobin

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

@gagging

I’m not going to sugar coat this – you have diabetes

@chuuew

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

@Fuzzylogic2009

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

@chrissyissie

Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me