I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
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Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Alexa: *deep breath*
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot