I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
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Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you