if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I told you I’m busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?
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Never trust a woman with a shovel, she’s not planting flowers fella.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That’s Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!