I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

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[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.


Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!


DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what


There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.


I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.


[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what


INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.


[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.


Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.