Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
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8 *walks into the house with covered in mud*
Me: MY LORD
8: well that’s a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.
My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?
9: *tells story*
Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”
The Rock is going to have a kid, which they’ll name Pebbles.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.