I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
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I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Note to self: I am a note
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.