@GeorgiaSweet20

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

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@kelkulus

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

@lilgapeach30

8 *walks into the house with covered in mud*

Me: MY LORD

8: well that’s a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.

@P0tterhead_394

My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.

@Hobo_Splendido

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

@gruffybeard

9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.

@UncleDuke1969

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

@PresTightrhymes

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

@ivadixit

last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”

@vlowgoes

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.