I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

You Might Also Like


Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.


8 *walks into the house with covered in mud*


8: well that’s a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.


My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.


“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober


9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.


My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.


*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?


last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”


My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.