I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
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I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Breaking news:
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.