I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
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so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵