I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

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[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*


I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.


Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP


Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date


If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.


I made too much macaroni in a too small pot and I feel like that’s exactly what I look like in the t-shirts that used to fit me.


I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.


I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.


🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?