I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.