Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me: Let’s start this again.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.
She never even knew.
Kangaroo: *takes baby out of pouch
Me: *takes chapstick out of fanny pack
**simultaneous nods of respect**
My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.
“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”
“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”
-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.
[toon world police department]
Chief of police: describe the explosive device?
Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string
Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.