I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
The Wolf of Wall Street.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Great acting.. 😂
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.