@HatfieldAnne

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

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@tigersgoroooar

Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.

@Jabba_Jabba_Jaw

Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me:…
Dr:…
Me: Let’s start this again.

@Angrea

OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

She never even knew.

@ThaJawn

Kangaroo: *takes baby out of pouch

Me: *takes chapstick out of fanny pack

**simultaneous nods of respect**

@MooseAllain

My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.

@KevinFarzad

“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”

“Yes.”

“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”

-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.

@UncleBob56

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

@sonictyrant

[toon world police department]

Chief of police: describe the explosive device?

Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger

@squirrel74wkgn

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.