i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
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The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Bike for sale
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!