Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
New tinder profile pic
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.