@Oddly_Pleasing

I too would like a knife that turns everything into cake.

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@amishschool

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

@guelphgirlchris

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

@parttimewinner

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

@TheMichaelRock

Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

@AristotlesNZ

3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.

@JustUnstableMe

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

@OrangeFact

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

@HatfieldAnne

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”