I too would like a knife that turns everything into cake.

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Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.


When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”


god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!


Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.


Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
NT: Please don’t cry.


3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.


Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.


Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.


I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.


Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”