I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.

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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.


me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk


No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”


“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”


You will feel dumb when we find out the guy who headshotted Harambe was from the future trying to prevent Planet of the Apes..


NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?


My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.


Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!

For failed past relationships press 1

For why your dad left press 2

For why you’re failing as a parent press 3

For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4


I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.