me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
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Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume