I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

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LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.


angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila


I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.


Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”


my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store


They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?


GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?


Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.


My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off


My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”