I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
You Might Also Like
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
why am I working on Labor Day
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
bout dat hot dog summer
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.