I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
pictures of spider-man
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism