I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
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Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes