I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
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For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.