I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
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Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀