I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
You Might Also Like
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders