I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
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“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.