I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
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Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
#CoronaOutbreak
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”