“I took care of your clown problem.”
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I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
S/o to @funTweeters .
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.