Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
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Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler