I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
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Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?