Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

scenes of unspeakable carnage

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday