@LostFelicia

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

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@SteveSuckington

DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris

SON: OMG!!

ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?

@MarlonBrandNO

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

@LoriLuvsShoes

My biggest regret of 2014?

Probably when my husband watched “The Notebook” with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house

@heybuddy_comics

[first day as a robber]

me: can i have your money

him: no

me: [determined not to give up] can i have your money, please

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

@stockejock

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

@DothTheDoth

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

@TheTweetOfGod

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.