I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
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When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
This did not end as expected.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.