DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?
ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris
ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
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I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My biggest regret of 2014?
Probably when my husband watched “The Notebook” with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house
[first day as a robber]
me: can i have your money
me: [determined not to give up] can i have your money, please
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.
It’s called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.