I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
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Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.