@House_Feminist

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

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@meganamram

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

@supermarkusa

Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.

@ahhhhron

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

@JenniferJokes

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

@EmoPhilips

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

@BoogTweets

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

@mostlysharks

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

@_SingleBabyMama

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

@ElizaBayne

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July