I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

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See a penny pick it up…

All day long you’ll have….

A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a “hand washer”.


Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway


[Auto-shop class]
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”

*raises hand*

“Or a truck”

*lowers hand*


I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.


Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!


“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”


*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what


“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”



I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide