I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
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Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
The government even made aliens boring
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me