@House_Feminist

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

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@Poutymcgee

See a penny pick it up…

All day long you’ll have….

A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a “hand washer”.

@T_Bonezzz

Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway

@RxitWounds

[Auto-shop class]
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”

*raises hand*

“Or a truck”

*lowers hand*

@krisv_723

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

@PaperWash

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

@RidiculousSheri

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

@Browtweaten

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

@myqkaplan

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

@CPajamaShark

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide