I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up