I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
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Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
For those that worship cheese..
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
✌️
A dad and his duck
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[eulogy]
line?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!