I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

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Boy, are you 40 mg of Adderall? Because without you, I’d really lose my shit. Also boy, are you my car keys? If you were, where would you be, I’m gonna be late


“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.


I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.


The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.


John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what


[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat


Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan


Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’