@Tuna_Lover

I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.

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@danielvisme

I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.

If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.

@Brianhopecomedy

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

@truegritrumble

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@ChipKellysBalls

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

@Tmoney68

Don’t think you’re immune. We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away.

@KalvinMacleod

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

@IamEveryDayPpl

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.