A band of aggravated businessmen is also known as a “LinkedIn Park”.
I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.
You Might Also Like
I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.
If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.
*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Don’t think you’re immune. We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?
*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.