“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
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How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Swedish for common sense.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly