I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
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A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete