I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

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*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *


If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter




You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.


*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO


As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.


“So you spend 6 bucks on a beverage that has no booze in it on purpose?”

-me to everyone at Starbucks.


“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon


A couple’s having breakfast. He says, “Were you faking it last night?” She says, “No, I was really asleep.”