I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Message from the dog groomers
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
shit just got real
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”